Be happy.  Such a simple phrase telling us to be something that all too frequently eludes us – but just how do we ‘get happy’? I’ve spent a lot of time pondering that not so simple question. What would make me really happy?

At times I thought that it would come from money, a new car or a new partner, marriage, babies.  All those things that society has conditioned us to feel are a measure of our success and if we have all these things, and we’re still not happy, then we’re just bloody ungrateful.

Some years ago I was suffering from depression – one thousand megawatts of medication depression.

My second marriage was falling apart – a perfectly good marriage by all accounts and a relationship that had started with my soul mate, a man who reflected my positive ideals and outlook in life.

We were the annoyingly ‘perfect’ couple who many of our friends seemed to measure their own relationships by – no pressure! He, my daughter and I – the Three Musketeers.

We started with and got through tough times.  Severe debt, moving from rented house to rented house, failed business to boot but never doubting that one day we would ‘make it’.

Flying by the seat of our pants with a no fail attitude we built a hugely successful business, bought a home, brand new cars and loved being in a position to take time out to create memories with our beautiful Ashleigh.  But after ten years of happiness, being broke, and eventually well off, the wheels fell off – I was confused.

Surely this was our dream?  Surely I should be happy?

I remember calling my friend at the time and telling her I had depression to which her response was ‘What on earth do you have to be depressed about – look at your life!’. That stung.  I felt ungrateful on one hand and so hurt on the other that one of my best friends obviously didn’t really know me at all.

So little in fact that she thought that all the material things I had should have washed away all the problems I had spent many a girlie night opening up to her about.

It took a while to understand what had gone wrong in my marriage and then a thought struck me –

both he and I had become so wrapped up in measuring success by financial wealth that we’d somehow lost the essence of us.

The dream building team who had come from harsh and humble beginnings. Who had always said that life was about experiences and memories, not things. The winning team who loved the journey and not just the end game.

I told him I’d rather be broke and happy, he said he could never be broke again.

The money had been nothing more than the icing on our perfectly happy cake. Somehow we had let go of the cake and it had all fallen apart.

He was angry at me for not wanting to settle for what I saw as a life of flat lining. He turned to the bottle more and more often; I drew away, one emotion at a time. I couldn’t settle for a life of plodding, no matter how affluent it seemed. A life of no more dream building and no more doing things with a passion together.

We had grown apart and wanted different things.

I convinced myself at the time that this had been the only reason for my unhappiness.

After the sadly inevitable divorce I was pretty much lost. I had no idea who I was and no hope that I would ever feel ‘real’ again.

I jumped into a couple of disastrous relationships and never took the time to work out where my unhappiness had really been rooted.

Then along came smartphones and apps and more and more technology. Another set of distractions to keep me from taking any action to find out what the hell would make me feel truly fulfilled. A previously happy marriage had failed.  Money had failed.  Drinking too much and too often certainly wasn’t helping me to reach any conclusion.

I was in an endless cycle of knowing that I had to work on myself to find out what was missing and, instead, just reaching for Facebook and a glass of Pinot to keep me from having to bother.

And then something happened.

One day I’d just had enough of living each day like Groundhog Day. I decided I had to change some things so I could stop feeling as if I had already died and someone had just forgotten to bury me. I knew I had to reconnect with myself before I could reconnect with anything else.

There was a burning need to get back to being me and stop the wallowing, distractions and generally floating through my life. There was so little going on in my life, or that I was doing, that was making me happy.

I put the wine glass down and started reading again and took to watching uplifting videos, eating better and got back to doing yoga. I pushed myself to ignore the constant notifications and delete the numerous apps on my phone that had been stopping me from sorting myself out for far too long, like a cosy comfort blanket of distraction.

Then I picked up my phone to actually talk to friends or look up positive videos and local exercise classes. I looked for anything that would help me ‘feel’ again. Following internet blogs and pages on Facebook about self awareness and rekindling passions became my new medication.

I was using what had been my nemesis of technology to my advantage.

I started doing all I could to get my mind straight and work out who the heck I was and where I was heading.  It wasn’t always easy and I had days where I’d falter, lose faith in myself and do nothing productive. But I kept telling myself:

‘Be kind to yourself. It’s not a race, just keep going. It’s not too late. You’re not stuck. You are amazing and you’ve got this’.

I eventually got to a place where I could think straight and had started to believe in myself again.

With a clearer, more focused head I decided to back track through my life. I pondered the highs and lows and what was happening or what I was doing when I felt those emotions.

What drove me as a child and what got me excited?

What used to light a fire in my belly and make me want to get out of bed in the morning?

What things had once made me want to grab the day by the throat?!

I wrote a list of who I was and who I wasn’t.

And then it hit, kaboom!

Writing, dancing, drama, making things, in fact pretty much anything creative. These were all things I’d put on a back burner for one excuse or another; lack of support, lack of energy, lack of time, lack of motivation.

I’d gone to weekend stage school as a kid; had been in a few amateur shows and and had absolutely loved to dance. It had all made me feel so alive inside.

I’d allowed all of that to stop when I hit my first serious relationship with a partner who had felt those things were a waste of time. ‘We should be settling down’.  We couldn’t do both it seemed.

It was time to buy a house, think about the future 2.4 life he wanted. I somehow convinced myself he was right and it was the ‘grown-up’ thing to do.  

I wanted to go back to it all when I got into my second marriage, but he had a hang up about anything ‘arty farty’. He told me his first wife had left with someone from their local theatre group. The literal drama of it had been too much for him.  I didn’t want to hurt him any more than it seemed he had already been hurt.

So I convinced myself that everything else we had going for us, the whole soul mate thing, same passion for life and shared ambition were enough to compensate for giving up on those things that had once made me feel so alive.

I had given them up so easily, not considering how much they were the essence of who I was.

And there it was, the reason for my emptiness at times. The reason why I hadn’t felt truly fulfilled in life for so long –

I had compromised when I never should have done and sacrificed a huge part of me and what made me burn.

I knew I had to enjoy every day and not just focus on an end goal. If I just enjoyed the journey I knew that the outcome would be amazing.

Action had to be taken!

Calling theatre school, heart beating fast, I got myself booked on an evening drama class. Skipping out of that first class like a 5-year-old on Christmas Day, I launched myself and my ridiculously huge grin at my unprepared partner in true ‘airport reunion’ style! I joined a local theatre group and jumped behind the scenes of their latest production. I started writing this blog and pushed myself to exercise the minute I got up. Daily journaling helped me express on paper how I felt and to set an intention for each day.

I started exercising deep gratitude for all the things I already had in my life – my daughter, my partner, my health, my friends, a roof over my head and a job that paid the bills.

I started to do and be all the things that had once been a natural part of me. Things that I had allowed to slip away, bit by bit, over the years.

In short, I got rid of the distractions and cleared my head of clutter.

I realised that the only way I could reconnect with the world and my passions was to reconnect with myself first, one step at a time.

We all have at least one amazing gift that makes us light up. When we take the time to find it it’s a wonderful journey with a beautiful destination.

I feel more alive and in the moment than I ever have and it’s amazing.

I haven’t finished my journey yet (at least I hope I’ve got at least a few more years left in me before someone does actually bury me!) but I want to live each day with happiness.  Doing the things I love, surrounded by people I adore, knowing ‘today is going to go well’.

And I’m now clear headed and strong enough to get through the days when it doesn’t!